whats up i’m going by means of an extremly bizarre factor in life. that i can’t appear to have the ability to perceive what it’s about. im sorry however that is going to be a really lengthy rant. and there’s a method an excessive amount of happening in it. like past rhyme and purpose sort of stuff however perhaps you may simply even learn for enjoyable

Posted On Oct 12, 2019 By admin With Comments Off

so even from the time that my mother concived me i have always really bear circumvent with drama.

when my mother got pregnant with me my mother went through sever complications. she was only 17 at that time but for some reason the pergancy was critically complicated. i havent talked much to her about it so dont know what exactly it was all about but all i do know form all the talk that i have heard of the story about my delivery is everything physicians had raised their hands and given up on me surving the pergancy.

but hitherto at the end of day here i was perfectly normal and healthy as a ordinary newborn could be.

But regrettably my parnets “re not” blithely married. and my mother never missed me. and all of her pregnacies ever were severly involved and she never manged to give birth to any other child except me.

but then too bc of my mothers unhappily wedding my father was an absentee dispite being marride the whole time and all of my childhood was basically an excpericnace of being raised by a narcissist- my mother.

but honstly i did not have much to complain about bc i was a highly naive child and most of my childhood i never really relatively took any notice of how egocentric my mother certainly was up untill around the time that i became a teenager.

other wise in my entire pedigree there was only one person who was truely an un maliced masterpiece and she was my grandmother. but unfortunatel she died from breast cancer when i was in 5th score around just about in her 50′ s only. and till today( however 34 yrs aged) to me it may seem like a loss i will never recover from.

when i went to high school there was this one guy who had a crush on me but he was a bully and “ive spent” all of my “schools ” coming bullied by him.

then right from around the time i was in high school my mother had already kept in mind a person that she wanted to marry me to started talk about marrying me. and the whole time i was so naive i didnt even know that all i had to say was just no to my family to get out of it. and by the time i was 22 they introduced so much pressure on me about it that agreed to the marriage and got married to him. despite that i never really wanted to simply bc i did not know that all i had to do was just say no.

anyway aftet i got married things in my life heightened over light. unexpectedly it was like everyone i ever knew right in my own family and closest to me was just out to digg at my union and fuck it up for me and they werent even being sneaky about it and doing it behind my back. it was all happening in my face and infront of me. and this even included my own mother.

and obvious to me i thought that if this is how things were going to be already then i didnt need to put up with the matrimony and 5 month in a walked out of it.

after i walked out my mother started with this branding and labeling me as mentally challenged. and i tried talking to my father a couple of duration but he really became a yes man to me in my face and a yes man to everybody else that apposed me in their face and he was not making it a seceret either.

i was litrally being forced to see concellors and make threapy flesh what every tom dick and harry councelor that anyone ever told them.

to the point that this one concellor i saw was a retired person but was considered to be the best psycologist of all of biography and took up the request to councle me only specifiaclly as a personl favour through the request of some social linkages that my mothers had. but thats not all of it.

i went to see this person at his house and through out the session my mother was peresent in the apartment with us the whole time which other thrapists never did. and then at one point this guy was just rambeling on about some unfairness my actions were effecting my mother. which was absoulte to the peeks of mounteverst and beyond total bullshit. my mother was literally doing theatre to the point of sham crying to stimulate the this guy take her side instead of mine and this was all happening with the both of them obvioulsy in chime with each other. and since i was obviously being falsely cornered by them i closed down and stopped interacting and precisely travelled speechless. and then the next thing is what is really the part caught me off gaurd. and this gory retired aged sorceres of a healer started hollering at me. litterally flinching over the top of my manager and screaming at me at the fucking exceed of his lungs that i was the one at fault for everything whatever that their conference was all about.

i had never thought that a shrink was even capable of such a thing. and regardless i never went back to see him. but i never had anyone to talk to about any of this ever the whole. bc it was like everyone i every knew my entire life had turned on me.

a year later things between me and all my family went so bad that one day my father who had never even had any role in my entirety life got to the point of physically abusing me one night.

after that i told them that i was an adult and that i did not need to live with them any more and that i wanted to move out. at this my father put down his paw and he’s like you cannot move out unless you move out of the country. i am not allowing you to move out anywhere inside this country.

and i had never wanted to go abroad ever but at this time well made this possibility and went to study in canada for a 2 and 1/2 year course.

but then things took an even worser turn at this level. and this is the part which is the main bit for which i am wrting this whole post. and “its really” a very weird part that is hard to make any sense of what so ever at all.

but the first day i went to college this one guy stuck his head out at me and smiled at me as a affectionate guesture to warm me up to him. but when i got turned and seemed in his direction all i could see and think of the person that bullyed me in high school.

and i could not even reach out and make friends with a single person in college and ended up being a recluse the whole time. and on top of everything the reflects about the guy that bullied me in high school just opened like overflow entrances after that day in college and just has not been able to stop and travel way.

all this happened in September 2009. and this is September 2019. and it has been precisely 10 yrs now since then and they still have not stopped. i have no idea why i get them ldk if it is some kind of ptsd

but it doesn’t even end there. and this the reall ugly part of it all. and i could sewar by it that these recollects feel like they are being imposed under me from the outside bc there is no way in the world that i could have ever thought of anything like it on my own ever.

but it was like i was hearing enunciates in my pate “thats been” constanly nagging me and forcing me that i was in love with him and that i wanted to marry him and that i should contact him and tell him all of this.

up till winter break i ignore all of it. in wintertime crack i regrettably went back home and was jusy out with my faimly at a mall one day. and well intent up runing into this guy at that mall.

but we only participated each other from a distance in a momentary gleam from the reces of the eyes and not eye to eye. and that was it.

after winter break i came back to canada and my estimation/ tones in the thought/ delusions what ever you could call them still would not stop and go away to a notes that in february i looked him up on facebook and obtained his profile on it. and it turned out that he was already employed to this one chick from school.

and my designs now advanced to the point of trying to compell me to the point of establishing him broken off his engaement. and not one of it felt like it was me myslef that is ready to do any of it personally. it was all just like i was being forced to do it by someone that had somehow felt a practice to driect me directly through been talking to judgments in my brain.

but one day in february i mesaged him on facebook and he was out on a dinner date with his fiance. and i just quitted a hello. and this guy is literally like are you abruptly interested in me now bc i have money now. and started accusing me of being a gold digger. and instantly we finished in an spat with each other which he then went on and even told his groom-to-be about who immidately made the telephone from him and got into a spat of her own with me. and it just got cut short at that and that was the end of it. and we never contacted each other again.

fast forwading i could not end up finishing my cource in Canada and came back home after 2 yrs. and after a year or less my mothers seperated. not divoreced. they are still currently not divorced but my papa tells me that my mother told him that she is already in a relationship with a married man specified Harry but still will not divorce him bc usurp she still intendes to take a dig at my inhertance from my father at the put of any opportunity that arisies.

but anyway at this point after my parents seperated it became clear to me why my mother had started off with the lable of calling me mentally challenged. it was all because she was looking for an out of the wedlock the whole time. and apparently claiming that me and my fathers whole side were menatlly unstable was a way for her to give valid socially acceptable reasonablenes for why she could not put up with us anymore and leave.

and once this happend it ultimately became clear to me why she did all the things she did.

and then at this phase i was like okay now that this label that they branded me with has acted it puropse i guess i have no more reason to worry about anything anymore and things should begin coming normal now.

instead the labeling and branding would still not stop. and i started to get into even bigger spats with both sides of my family to a point that they started to institutionalise me into rehabs. first it was my aunt from my mother side that set me away for 2 moths.

after that i moved to my fathers side. and started lives with an aunt from my fathers side and 4 yrs passed by without drama for the first time since 2008. and everything despite that my delutions were still present things started to look good again.

and at this point in time i started to tackle the problem of these delusions that whould still not stop. and i visualized maybe one of the ways i can takle it is if maybe i try to meet new chaps with whome i can have a more positive experance with and perhaps it might help. and hoestly it truly is not to me seem like it was ever going to be possible but then tinder was the new sound in city and i downladed it and merely genrally was beginning to merely chat online. and in 2016 i first met these 3 guys out of which who was such a sugared mettle when we firstly gratified that after approximately one year of chit-chat with him online i actually stopped thinking about the the hight school bully almost completely.

but i didnt connect with any one of them good enough to completely get out of it. but chatting with them was genuinly the one of the best part of my life after a very long time and very welcome relife. but i lost touch with all of the chaps after 2018 and my tinder note came boycotted permanently and it is not a reversable ban.

i tried downlading other apps but nothing of them have bunches like there where on tinder in 2016. and nothing of the people on them prepare me feel like much.

but then anyway in 2018 even my aunt who had been putting up with perfectly fine all of the last 4yrs suddely like precisely beacuse she could. at this phase its like everyone and every one i know has just made it a title of excerpt to step on me and get past to proove deity is well known and get deity knows what awards. its like quiflying a degree for everyone around me at this point to get to the next thing in life.

all over a fucking feline. aftet i lost touch with all the guys i contemplated maybe i should try getting a domesticated and i could be like a domesticated thrapy. bc i dont fucking lack anything to do with actual decreases ever

but my aunt convulsed me out of the house all of a sudden after about two months of having the feline in her live suddely say she did not lack it.

and my father chucked me into rehab for to three months last year merely beacuse he could.

after that suddenly everything became a lot better in “peoples lives” suddenly again. my father started being really nice to me all of a sudden. money wise “hes never” riesteicted me this whe era up till now still. but this time he even rebuilt one of our houses and gave me the keys to live in to all by my ego and bought me my first gondola last year in december.

adn i was literally like is it for real. excpet my deluitions and thoughts and all of that stuffabout the bully just remains getting worse and worse in my knowledge. and i still dont know how to fix them. like dont get me wrong they are still not as bad since 2016 but in a manner that was at the same time still acting up even more than ever. like somedays i literally question my stability bad.

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